The End of An Era

One of my most cherished and favorite times in my life has came to an end on Saturday around lunch time. My dog Ajax slipped away into the afterlife, quickly and without pain in the end. It was the worst moment of my life this far. A moment that I have been dreading in the back of my mind for a while now, knowing that thirteen and a half years old for such a big fluffy fella was a lot. The only thing I can come with that might supersede the pain of Saturday will be the day Mo goes...

Things went quickly, and for that I am grateful. I never want any one to suffer. Friday night all was well, he was tail wagging and stalking me around the house eating cookies. Saturday morning he went out for his usual yard tour and then we got a freak snow storm. He was napping on the front porch, becoming a snow dog when I brought him inside. At first I didnt think anything was really wrong - sure his hips were stiff, but that has been semi-common the last week or so, on and off. Having to carry/drag him in just seemed par for the course lately.

When he got in though, things were different. Subtly, slowly at first, but then progressing faster. At first his breathing rate was just elevated. Not to all out panting, just .... heavier. Harder. Like his tummy hurt. I tried to give him a treat but he wouldnt take it. Not even CHEESE. That was a big uh-oh. He drank water though, so that was good.

The day was a busy one around the house, while D and his father went about lifting and re-setting the floor with insulation. Trying, one step at a time to make out drafty old house just a little bit warmer. I, luckily, wasnt needed to help so I sat on the floor in the front room with my old fluffy pal and snuggled him, while trying to red light away his pain. He wasnt comfortable, kept shifting from laying flat to laying up on his belly - but I thought maybe his hips were bothering him.

Then I noticed he started drooling. Jax NEVER drools! That was a big red flag. Then I noticed he had peed himself - just a little. Another big red flag. I started to panic. Ill admit it. All my biggest fears were coming true, I could feel it, and I wasnt ready! Jax was supposed to get another bad haircut this summer. Jax was supposed to be a best man at my wedding, in his little [big] doggy tux. Jax still needed to run over Varo a few more times so he stops going to the road!

He gave me the look though. That look that sees right through your soul and tells you its time. I wanted so much for him to be able to just pass quietly in his sleep one night. No pain or fear or car rides to the vet. At the same time though, I am thankful I was home that Saturday. Thankful I chose to snuggle him on the floor all morning. Thankful each and every night before going to bed, I hugged him and told him I loved him.

When he gave me the look I couldnt control myself anymore... and D walking by asked me what was wrong. I am sure he didnt expect me to say " I think Jax is dying" - but when I did, he did the right thing, hugged me and echoed T's sentiments of taking him to the vet.  It was a snow storm though, and all the emergency vets were in the city. Our regular vet was closed. D went online and found out that one of the other clinics in town was open. With a tiny shard of hope in my heart, that they could just give him some medicine and he would be better, we went off to the vet in town.

I sat in the backseat with him on that slushy snowy car ride to town. Held his head in my lap, burying my fingers deep in his winter fluffies. I must give credit to the clinic we went to - they were great. When we walked in - D carrying Ajax- they rushed us right into a room and a vet came right away to see him. I was a mess, but I tried really hard to answer all the questions they wanted to know - how old is he? 13.5 What happened? He is old.... What did you notice that was wrong? His breathing, he couldnt walk, he peed, [he had also pooped when we came in.. ] his tongue and gums were getting paler.

They went through their analysis, the vet and her assistant, while I sat on the floor, touching as much of him as I could. I wanted him to know he wasnt alone in this strange place. He was never alone. When the vet finished her assessment, she said what I knew, but what I didnt want to hear -"He is trying to die" She said. My heart broke. Clean in two, Im sure. She said likely his internal organs were shutting down, or some kind of heart failure. His heartbeat was already really slow, and obviously with the uncontrolled pee and poop, that was a terrible sign. I made the choice, the one I never wanted to have to make, to help him slip those final few steps to peace. And I hugged him and told him how much I loved him the whole time. He was never alone.

Just like that... in the space of a few hours, my best friend for more than a decade was gone. No more patrolling the property line, no more bad summer haircuts, no more summer shed brambles rolling around until fall, no more inopportune flopping in front of me while I walk, begging for a belly rub.

I cried for a long time. I dont envy the position of vet clinic staff in those moments.

Then they finally had to ask - "What did you want to do with him now?" Obviously, they have that service, where they do... I dont even know what with bodies of passed animals. I panicked and just wanted to say YOU CANT HAVE HIM HE'S MINE. But its winter. What can I do? A quiet voice in my head said Go to Russell. So I made D call my dad. It was a quick phone call. "We had to put Jax down, can you bury him please?" "Yes, bring him to my house" and that was done. Thank goodness. I am so grateful that on that day, my dad was home, and free, and has a backhoe that can dig through snow and frozen ground to give my best friend the burial and honor he deserves.

Finally I was able to compose myself just enough to be able to get Jax back in the car, and get home to switch vehicles so I could take him on his final trip to Russell. I cried the whole way there. Sometimes I would get some control over myself, but mostly it was awful. I dont actually know how I made it there, but I made a point to keep two hands on the wheel and my focus on the road....

I had been texting with T this whole time. I cant even imagine how she felt getting the text simply saying "hes gone" .... I hate that I had to do that to her, but I am so infinitely grateful that, without hesitation, she was on her way to dads too. Jax was her friend too.

I passed dad on the road to Russell as I was heading to his house. He was on his was to the Garage to pick up the backhoe. Probably better that way. T and I met at dads and just hugged each other and cried for a long time.

Finally dad came back with the backhoe, and after more hugs and tears, we went into the field to dig a hole. He dig a nice hole, by a nice tree. Jax went out in true Russell style, charioted to his resting place proudly in the backhoe bucket, between T and I . How many times have I ridden around in that bucket? Countless. I never thought it would be for that reason though. I never thought I would have to get in that bucket to escort Jax to his final nap.

After one final hug and ruffling of his fluffy scruff, Dad reverently laid Jax down - and for that I am thankful. I looked away while he covered him... that part I couldnt watch. And then it was done. Just like that... I needed some way to mark it. So comemorate the amazing partner in crime that he was, so dad took the bucket and scratched some bark of a tree and gave me his knife to carve his name with. It seemed that when they do that in movies, the trees are not made of real bark, and it was much harder than anticipated. Dad got his chainsaw though, and made it permanent. His name in a tree, while he overlooks the river and the hayfield, forever at peace now.

And so the Era of Ajax comes to a close. He was so loved and touched so many lives with his infections joy and conversation. Nothing will ever be the same. 

  - S