Getting Through Trauma....

Everyone has their own way of dealing with trauma. A lot of times it depends too, on the type of trauma, and possibly the real or perceived intesity of said trauma.

On Sunday afternoon, coming home from work, I experienced an extreme trauma - emotionally. Mentlaly as well I suppose. This blog is really me trying to work through it and figure out my own mind on the issue.

To start with; the details. What happened? I came home from work on Sunday, after making a few stops on the way, to walk onto the property around five pm. Go inside, unload stuff, head outside. Notice Roxy, a boarder, standing all by herself near the fenceline looking odd. Her legs we canted wide, her ears flopping, her lower lip drooping and as I got closer I could see it was frothing. My heart rate increases. I have never seen symptoms like this before.

My brain SCREAMS " CALL THE VET" but my phone choses this exact moment to deny me funcionality and doesnt work. Roxy tried to come over to me, and makes her way unsteadily. Her legs arent coordinating right...? She is breathing, not heavy but not normal. She has discharge from her nose that looks like grain or hay chewed up. Deinately call the vet...need to find a phone.  Next step. Find D and hope to all the gods and universes that his phone works.

Luck was with me, found D, used his phone. Called the vet. No answer. Call at home, no answer. Leave multiple messages. Try not to sound panicked. Call the owner. No answer. Cant leave a message like this.... how do you leave a message saying ' I have no idea whats wrong with your horse?' Make note to call back later. Call farrier, get her vets number [she lives five minutes away, lucky me] Call that vet. Get the emergency line. Leave a message. Try my vet again. FINALLY. Get through to her.

Diagnosis : Choke. Dont have much/any experience with it, so I listen intently and follow her instructions. By this time, Roxy was down, having stubled and lost her balance and laid down. She made no effort to get up at this point. Vet says syringe as much water down her throat as possible to aleviate any blockage. D and I manage to get her into a 'sitting' position so we can get the water into her. About a third of a bucket later, she is still accepting it fine and sort of staying sitting on her own.

Talk to vet again. She says continue course, and give it an hour. Watch her, keep giving her water, let her regain energy. Older horse, stress takes a toll. That seems to run with what I am seeing, so we do that. We give her a break and I finally got ahold of her owner. Molasses water was suggested by the owner as a means of electrolyte and sugar energy boost, so I did that, added molasses, and syringed a whole bunch more.  This  seemed to make a difference, she seemed to make a whole lot more effort in rising. Though I am not sure if it was positive or not. With her legs not coordingating and her efforts to get up being so forceful, like she was trying to JUMP up, she was more often than not just ending up slamming herself back to the ground.

She finally seemed to realise she needed time to recuperate and she relaxed into laying down and her breathing evened out again, so I sent D away to make some dinner for us. There were many phone calls in the interim there, to both the vet and the owner. The vet was going to be on her way as soon as she could. The owner as well. As far as I could see, Roxy seemd to be improving. Her breathing was steadying, she seemed to be conserving her energy now, waiting until she truly had enough to stand again, though I felt bad because she was all dirty and sticky.... during one of her failed struggles to rise, she had splashed a whole bucket of molasses water all over her face and neck.... yuck.

At least things seemed to be getting better. She started struggling to rise again, with more head slamming acti onto the ground, so I took up the 22' stayed out of her way and just helped her guide her head back to the ground without concussing herself [ can horses get a concussion?] That seemed to calm her a bit, but she was still fairly active. her legs were going, she looked like she was running a race on her side... her muscles would all tense up and then release. I had no idea what to think so I called up the vet again and told her what was going on.

I was already on edge. Truly on the verge on panicking..... usually, I pride myself on my stability in an emergency, but I think my inner.. whatever... knew this was more than a fixable emergency. I was wound so tight and so upset that this was happening to *someone elses* horse... someone elses horse, who *I* was in charge of taking care of! AND I was seemingly being supremely ineffective in helping..... It wasnt a good place in my head.

When I called the vet, when I was on the phone with her, things changed, Roxy started arching her neck and stretching it out and that was when I noticed it was quiet... she had stopped breathing... One of her front legs was still pawing but she wasnt breathing. I kept palpating her windpipe... just trying to get something going, while my ever amazing vet just talked to me calmy and told me to go get D. She insisted I focus [thank goodness for my amazing vet... I love her] and go get D. I gave the phone to him and she spoke to him and was on her way.

She told him it wasnt good. Roxy likely wouldnt make it. I knew by then though, that it was too late.

I was with Roxy when she went.... when she left this world for greener pastures. I wish it could have been her owner who loved her more than anything, but it was me. At least there was someone there with her, rubbing her and telling her it was going to be ok.

I was in shock. Complete and utter shock. D kept pulling me away from her, and I can remember just saying we had to fix her. There had to be a way to fix her. She just had to breathe again. I dont know if he understood this or not. I dont know if I was coherent or not, between the hyperventilating and the tears.

A little later, her owner showed up. Have you ever had to tell anyone that something/someone they loved very much was gone? I guess if you are a doctor you may have....  How do you do it? Is there a way to do it without shattering a person? She showed up expecting to see her partner and instead I had to tell her she was gone. I had just barely regained control of myself, and I had to help someone else through the same trauma, maybe even exponentially worse because Roxy was HERS.

My poor vet... she showed up about fifteen mintues later, I am so grateful she chose to come, even though she said it didnt look good, and likely knew what she would arrive to. She looked over Roxy, looked at all her external signs and the internal ones she could [ in her special areas] and hypothesised that because her gums and tongue were so white and there was a lot of redness in her ... special place, that there was a good possibility that a part of her uterus had become tangled with a portion of her gut and basically exploded inside her.... drawing all of her blood supply - which would be why she had such pale everything else.

We wont ever know for sure if thats what it really was, though the vet thoroughly assured me and repeated many times for my shell shocked self, that it wasnt anything I could have fixed. After my own emotional explosion I just felt so lost... so hollow. I didnt know what to do. Roxy's owner seemed to take it better than I could understand... Gratitude for her long years [she was 25 ish] and living her last months here, in open pastures with happy pasture buddies and lots of food.... Obviously there was saddness, but she seemed to be able to categorize hers better than I could. Better than I can. Maybe its just a learned thing with time. I hope so,... I dont really plan to experience this kind of trauma again.

Ive known horses that have died. I have heard of lots of them. Ive been the one to find them on the path in that direction before, but never have I been there at the ultimate ending of ones life before. Never have I seen the light... the sparkle of life... leave their eyes before. It is not something I care to repeat. I cant even wrap my mind around the possibility that it will occur sometime in the far distant future for me and my own partners. Maybe by then I will have sorted out eternal life. Right.

I expected the trauma to myself. I expected it, but I did not understand the full impact, possibly still dont, but I feel like I have a better idea, today, after returning to work. Monday morning came, and the body was picked up by the local service that does that, so I didnt go to my job. I spent the afternoon off the farm, still trying to readjust my mind to feeling ... normal.. again. Tuesday was my scheduled day off, and I was able to go ahead with a lesson as scheduled and be professional in the moment. I was lucky enough to have lunch with my mom, so I got to talk about it a little, but really we just talked about everything but and avoided the ouchy stuff. Its hard. Its hard to go back and deal with that ouchy stuff because its ouchy, but how else do you make it better without dealing with it?

Today I went back to my job. It sucked. I felt so withdrawn and introverted, and to top it off I woke up with a killer headache, product of not sleeping well since Sunday.... everytime I close my eyes, all I see is her... Everyone kept asking me about her, and offering their apologies and condolences. Which kind of gouged open the emotional and mental wounds that I had quickly forced to scab over. I know time heals. I also know that being surrounded by fifty some odd Parelli students this weekend on a bus trip and then thousands in Harrisburg will help a lot... but I dont know exactly what I can do to be better.

I dont think I will be the same as I was before. I cant tell you exactly what will have changed though. I still love life and my horses... I still want to ride and play and soar over jumps... I still want all the same things... right now though, my mind is just... tempered, I guess. Tempered by a shadow, that hasnt quite been eaten by the sunlight that usually fills my mind. I think I almost feel like it would be disrespectful to be really happy and bubbly right now. Right or wrong, I dont know, but thats the closest I can get to explaining it.

Here is hoping sleep comes easy and dreamless tonight. Lucky for me, I can read a fanciful and wonderful book before sleeping, written by my very own sister! How many people get to do that? Pretty cool.

Not your typical blog from me... I know... but its what Ive got right now.

Oh, sad/interesting side note: Indy refused to leave Roxy's side through this whole orderal. I put her out of the paddock three times, twice before and once after. Twice she jumped back in and once she crawled under the fence. I gave up trying to kick her out. It was truly interesting, as they werent particularily buddy-buddy, though Indy is the lead... perhaps thats what leaders do...?

S