Sometimes, you just dont know.

In addition to the actual reason for this blog, I was sitting here, thinking "I wish I knew what is making that funny noise"... my room is making strange noises that are vaguely reminiscent of Star Wars, but thats beside the point.

The last few days have been spent in a slightly melancholy haze. The reason or cause is unknown. I wish I DID know, for then I could alleviate the issue! But alas, the culprit to my strange mood eludes me. I thought yesterday the answer would be playing with my darling Mo. That turned out to be a bad plan. Well. Not bad. Just not as well thought out as I had anticipated.

I got her out of the feild, we went over to the trailer, where she was a little snotty with her tail, even though there was a fly and a half bothering her. But this story isnt really about *her*. I am certain now that I was imagining things. *sigh* Let me reinforce here, that my mood was not where I wanted it to be, and all I wanted out of the session was therapy. Fix me, Mo. Thats all I want. I cant figure out how to fix myself. I asked for it.

We moseyed out, doing some little hill therapy on our way, Mo poking along at the worlds smallest trot, out into the space I have set aside to ride in. We get out there and suddenly everything means GO! Disengage is broken, friendly is broken, yo-yo is broken, simply yeilding off the halter is broken. *sigh*  In my fuzzy head I am so perplexed. What happened? I feel like I have ZERO energy and yet my mostly somewhat kinda introverted horse is a kite. Huh?? I attribute it to her not having been played with lately because I was waiting ona farrier opinion on some cracks. We got the go ahead on Monday though, so this is day two of playing. Though honestly day one Liberty was dicey at best and.. oh hey!... very similar to this. Everything meant go, no friendly etc... how interesting.

So I bring her back, re-visit my friendly game, fix the porcupine off the halter and reinforce that yo-yo out doesnt always mean galavant off in a circle. Once that gets ok, we get some pretty nice things going. Circles are looking good, she is seeking the obstacles around her to the point of darting out on a straight line to get it, and then looking at me to see if she was good or not. Normally this would crack me up and I would say she was awesome. Yesterday, I was wondering why she couldnt just circle nicely... this is when warning bells should have gone off for me. But I played through it.

I rearranged a jump, and started playing with her over the gymnastics and she was just pro. That finally lifted me a little. She really knows her job and just goes for it beautifully. At that point I went and saddled her up at the trailer. I tried rearranging her shim pattern, because her back has been changing, but after walking out to the feild again, it felt terrible so I came back and added back in the one shim I took out. I put it in a slightly different location though, I am really trying to focus on freeing her shoulders... without the adverse effect of saddle sliding forwards.

I bridled her too, though didnt put any reins on. She bridled herself perfectly. I couldnt ask for more. I put my savvy string around her neck and grabbed two carrot sticks and off we went. Im not sure why I didnt use reins, or a hackamore, I think it was in part because I knew I needed to not be able to micro manage her. Because, if I could have, I would have. So I forced myself to not have that chance [unconciously] and I think it was best. We started on our circle pattern, relaxing at the trot, then picking up the canter, and she was great. Both directions, then on into the 'arena' . I played with canter/walk transitions along the rail in both directions. with the focus of backing on the downward transition, using two sticks for support.Then we aimed at the gymnastic set. She totally blew by it the first time I set her up at a canter. Interesting. I didnt have reins to micro manage her through it so I allowed it to happen, guiding her gently where I could without causing catastrope through the jumps. The next time, we approached at a trot and had much more success.

We did it a few times at the trot, and then when I tried to rub her with the sticks, she went a little crazy. [surprise, surprise... friendly issues on the ground, did I really think it wouldnt be there under saddle?] I thought my energy was gone [remember earlier?] as I tried to rub her with both sticks at the same time. Mo obviously thought otherwise and started dancing sideways, first one way then the other with her head UP and acting fractious.

For whatever reason, my brain chose that moment to overload, so I jumped off, let Mo graze while I sat on a barrel and tried to figure myself out. Figuring myself out generally involves a spontaneous, ridiculous amount of crying, and voila, right on cue, there it was. I have no idea why. Sunny day, lovely horse, riding, playing, seeing a good friend later, no idea. Tears. Yuck. It is the worst thing, to be sitting there, crying your eyes out with absolutely NO idea why you are doing so. Obviously something is eating at me, but gods know I cant figure out the cause! I will, I am sure, eventually, I just havent yet. Still. Ergh.

So Mo is grazing a few feet away, I can hear the bit clanking on her teeth, so I took it off, and she continued to graze while I continued my little internal meltdown for no reason. I thought I had myself under control, mostly, and I was about to come off my barrel and get Mo, when Ajax shows up. Oh my goodness. My dog, the best dog in the whole entire world, walks over, very purposefully, gives me that "Youre not ok, let me help you" look that just sparks a whole new set of waterworks. Ridiculous, but true. Man I love that doggy. Jax just sat there, for what must have been twenty minutes, letting me hug him and scratch him and cry on his shoulder - again, for no discernable reason. Heart of gold in that one.

About the time I started gathering my peices again, thunder started rolling in the sky. Somewhere during my meltdown, very big, very black clouds had drifted across the sky. Thunder started and not long behind were some very large obnoxious rain drops that herded my little herd back to the trailer. Jaxie came into the trailer with me, and Mo stood ever-faithfully outside while the rain poured down and the thunder rolled. I played a little game with Mo, getting her to put one foot on the trailer so I could get her boots off, which was fun. The pourdown didnt last very long, as pourdowns generally dont, so when it tapered off, I took the oppurtunity to return Mo from whence she came, with an apology and a face full of cookies.

More rain came, and Ajax was glued to me as we hid out in the trailer once more. It was nice though. Him and me, watching the storm pass from the safe and dry in my beloved trailer. Its been a while since I have just hung out while Jaxie like that. It was really nice. I do so adore my puppy dog.

Theres not really a moral to the story yet. I still dont know what caused that mood. Im still not sure I am through it. But that was my day, odd, off and interesting though it was. Im glad I got off. Poor Mo. She forgave me as she always does, when I went out later in the evening to sit on her tree, she moseyed over and asked for scratches in all the silly ways she always does. That horse is everything to me.. . I will have to work harder to get myself better for her.

S