My Horse = My Mirror....

As you can tell by the previous bunches of posts, each having in some small part to do with Auditions and filming and FREAKING OUT, my latest emotional trend has not been that very solid, or left brain, or calm really.

The other day, I was having lunchy with my momsy and we were talking about this crazy roller coaster I have been on, called the Audition Train. Its not so much fun as Mary Murphys Hot Tamale Train, but it sure has been a ride. Continues to be. Anyways. I was telling her of my adventures, and how Mo has seemed really frazzled and amped and slightly disconnected/right brain compared to her usual left brain super calm self. Some how, in her eons of being trapped around me, and being forced to hear endless Parelli DVDs in the background, she has picked up a whole lot on horsey things. Whether or not she is [isnt] putting them to use with an actual horse, she makes a surprisingly great horsey problem sounding board.

So there I am, pattering on about Mo, and how things seem strained between us, and how I just really want to be done filming for a while so I can just play and have fun .... really now though, this IS supposed to be fun. I just need to make it that way. But thats how I was feeling that day. Yucky, frustrated, sad... and then my mom looks me right in the eye and says "Isnt your horse just a mirror for what your feeling?"

Really?

Wait.

What?

DUH

I cant even begin to explain the BFO this produced for me. Ive been stressed with work. Stressed with lack of pony time. Stressed about auditions BECAUSE of lack of pony time and all of a sudden, for no reason at all, my very LB pony goes very RB and I cant figure it out? Sheesh.... *smacks forehead* Sometimes.... Im just to close to the situation to figure it out.

So that was on... Friday. So I went home very contemplative, thinking about how things have been going and how to change them, and in an infinately better mood. Ice Age 4 helped. That movie is hysterical. Friday afternoon, there was a lesson and then I rode a horse here for riding time while the owner is busy and decided to zig while he zagged and ended up in the dirt. Yey. [<-- reads ouch] A hospital visit and to many x-rays later, I found out nothing was broken but lots of muscle pulls in my left arm, which pretty much has had my left arm out of commission since then. Joy.

All this get up and go happiness I got from my talk with Mom was sumarily shut down when I had no left arm basically for two days. Luckily, it was the weekend, and a trillion degrees, so D kept me busy in town and away from the "need to play with ponies' drive, so it was good. Fast forward to today. I am much much better, my arm can move again, but pushing/pulling things is not so great yet. The door to my tack room has a self closing hinge-thing on it which I keep trying to open with my bad arm... it doesnt go well. Yesterday I went out to see the ponies, make sure everyone was happy and healthy, did the doctoring work that needed to be done and that was mostly it. Gave everyone some cookies and left.

Today when I went out, I was in a really good mood. I had really just gone out again to check wounds, but Mo came over all super enthused so I haltered her and threw the rope over her back to pretend we were at liberty. We played some stick to me and she offered to go over a log but then she did her usual run-away-back-to-the-barn act. I kinda just went with her, and kept my attitude really in the 'game' of playing tag/catching game and she actually turned and trotted back to me. Huh. She also grabbed her cookie and ran off again to the shelter. Hello Left Brain pony. So good to see you again. This time when I caught up with her, I untangled her from her rope and we went into the round pen.

My goal was to PLAY. To have fun and to give her a million cookies. We did a figure eight for about three seconds, some sideways circles, some circle circles, some more figure eight, some stomp on the cone murder style touch its, some other circles with canter transitions, I think three changes of direction, a few up close spins and then that was it. I gave her tons of cookies throughout, and then I walked with her back to the barn to give her a BIG cookie, that I keep for after things. And she stuck to me like glue. Even after when I was petering around picking up some of their bowls and ropes and things, she was just moseying along with me.

She had stayed left brain the whole time in the round pen [for once] and that was reallly cool. I didnt push anything, we just played with what we knew and had fun. I told her she was beautiful and pretty and wonderful and how much I loved her over and over and over. I realised I hadnt been lately. Regardless of the fact that she cant understand me, she can feel the energy and intent in those words as positive and hopefully, loving. I think it makes a difference. Compared to just silence, or just the occaisional Good Mo.

I just really really made that effort to go out there and have fun. Take it easy [because I have to... carrot stick is still a little iffy in my left hand] and just enjoy spending time with Mo. I think that is the worst outcome of pressure and lack of time combined. Always feeling like I need to get something done meant I was losing out on seeing the joy and pleasure of getting to spend time with my favorite pony on this planet. It was still 'fun' to play, but to that kind of fun where I think of Pat telling people "Well if you are having fun, TELL YOUR FACE' because I was getting all tight and unn-fun feeling. 

So voila. Life isnt always perfect, even when you think you have this horsey thing down pat. Sometimes, it takes your mom to slap you upside the head [proverbially] and show you what you are missing. My horse is my mirror... seriously. HOW could I miss that one??! Especially from MO! But. It doesnt matter. Ive got it figured out now, and thats what matters. PROGRESS AHOY!

:D
S